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Should I communicate with my spouse during our divorce?

By suttondean9025783, Jun 27 2015 09:53PM

I can’t give you a definite answer to that question but the fact is if you were able to effectively communicate with your spouse during your married time together, you probably wouldn’t be getting a divorce. If you have children together, under normal circumstances you certainly should be making every effort to continue seeing them or allowing your spouse to see them and that usually necessitates communicating with your spouse to arrange for the visitations. If you are the parent selfishly and without merit putting up roadblocks to allowing your spouse to see the children, you are hurting your children psychologically and you could be hurting your chances of being awarded the children as their primary residential parent because judges certainly believe and know that both parents have equal rights to their children and throwing up roadblocks to allowing your spouse to see his or her children is one factor the judge will take into consideration in determining with whom the children shall primarily live.

Communicating with your soon to be ex-spouse could also save you time and money in legal fees because the more agreements you can reach with your spouse the less time your attorney will have to spend trying to figure out how he or she can get you what you want out of the divorce. Moreover, the more agreements you reach the less the decisions the judge is going to have to make on decisions that could affect you for many years if not for the rest of your life.

You do not want to communicate with your soon to be ex-spouse is if he or she is devious and prone to lying, especially if you have children and he or she wants them. This is because there is a reasonable likelihood that your spouse will file a false Emergency Protective Order against you saying that you injured or threatened to injure him or her and/or your kids. With an EPO, even one based on false allegations and with absolutely no evidence to support it, you can lose the battle for your house and/or kids before your divorce even begins.

Here’s how. Your spouse files a false allegation against you saying that you threatened him/her and your kids. An EPO is then entered without you having a chance to defend yourself, and in many cases, without even your knowledge that one is being sought. You are ordered to immediately vacate your house and to have no contact with your spouse or kids. You basically are put out on the streets with nothing more than the clothes on your back. In 14 days, you and your spouse must appear in court in which case your spouse reiterates his/her statements and then you must prove that the event or threat did not happen or did not happen the way your spouse says it did. You have no witnesses to defend yourself and while your kids may know that your spouse’s allegations are untrue, your kids are with your spouse, not you, so you have no access to them and cannot bring them to court to tell the judge that your spouse is lying. Moreover, if your spouse is devious and prone to lying, chances are so are his/her friends or parents who will also swear that you did the things you are being accused of.

The judge has to make a decision whether the alleged act occurred without any real evidence and the judge will determine that you committed the injurious act and issue a domestic violence order if the judge is as little as 51% sure that you did. And since judges in Kentucky are elected, no judge wants his or her face plastered over the evening news that a DVO was not issued when the alleged perpetrator commits an even more heinous act of domestic violence. Thus, the deck is decidedly stacked against you in trying to defend yourself against the imposition of a DVO. DVOs can be good for up to three years and can be renewed with little more than your spouse/ex-spouse saying that he/she is still afraid of you. You will remain kicked out of your house and your contact with your children will be severely hampered. And when it comes time for deciding in your divorce who is going to get the house and who the children are going to primarily live with, who do you think the very same judge will decide should be awarded the kids and the house?

The moral of the story is if you can even imagine in your wildest dreams that your spouse will file an EPO against you, stay away from him/her. Have as little contact with him/her as possible. Have another credible adult witness at every single contact/conversation you have with your spouse and seriously consider secretly recording each and every conversation you have with your spouse. In Kentucky, secretly recording a conversation with another person is perfectly legal so long as you are part of the conversation. In other words, you cannot surreptitiously put a tape recorder underneath someone’s couch and leave the room; however, you can tape a phone conversation you are a part of or you can use a tape recorder hidden in your pocket.

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